8.30am on a Sunday and I’m waiting on a train to go into my work to start my 11 hour shift. It’s grim even reading that over.
I work as a banking advisor in a 24 hour office so it’s never closed. It’s a hard job and causes me much stress but it pays the bills so I’m trying to stick with it but every painful train journey makes me want to get off at the next stop and head home.
Previous to this job I had always worked in fashion retail. I have been a manager, merchandiser, stylist..you name it! But unfortunately I lost my job last year and ever since then I just haven’t found my feet. I have been in a costant battle with myself over what I should be doing with my life and what is my “perfect” job. I started this banking job at the start of the year thinking it would be a great opportunity and I could progress within the company but instead I’m stuck in unrealistic shifts, working constant weekends and sitting infront of a screen for 10 hours a day.
A few months ago I started growing more and more anxious about going into work to the point were I was feeling physically sick and breaking out in hot sweats (not the most attractive thing in the world). Unfortunately this has not got better and the dread of sitting on this train is real and doesn’t just disappear. I could pop a pill the doctor gave me and it could help temporarily but then later on today it starts all over again. It’s a horrible cycle that I can’t escape.
Look for another job? Oh believe me I have. Every spare moment seems to be job hunting and checking my e-mails but to my disappointment I keep getting rejection e-mails, which just knocks my confidence more and more.
So for just now I need to breathe, get through the day, consume caffeine and try to stay positive.
To all those weekend workers and people who feel stuck and need escape, I hear you.